BROKEN

He proposed yesterday. Of course I said yes. What choice did I have? We’ve been together what, five years? More like sixish. Now I’m worried about how best to wriggle out of this without hurting him too bad. I mean, it’s for his own good really. Look at me, what do I know about being a wife? There’s the whole “I want you to be the mother of my children” thing too. Me? A mom? Who would wish that on anyone, much less their own child?
I’m a great girlfriend. You know, I may not be a beauty queen but I’ll never embarrass you, I won’t cling, I don’t mind the occasional cheating so long as you don’t embarrass me, I’m no five star chef but I cook just fine, I clean cos I like a clean place, I love guy stuff, the sports and games and all but I don’t try to be a guy about them, I like sex, it’s pretty much my way of connecting, I’m open to new stuff, I’m smart, I’m an awesome, generous girlfriend if I do say so myself.
But a wife, children, family they scare me. When he proposed, all I saw was dad’s face as I begged him to take mom to the hospital. Cold, “she’s already dead Chika. What? You want me arrested too? You want to ruin me completely don’t you? Complete what she started. Go on, tell everyone I killed her.” That was the last real conversation we had. Not that I blame him. He finally found peace after her death, I was a reminder of everything she put him through and at what price his peace had come.
Mom was the bread winner for the most part of my formative years. She ran the house with an iron hand. Dad swallowed all the insults and they were quite direct. “Useless man!” She’d scream every chance she got,”lazy man, good for nothing man,look at the dirty dishes and you were home all day!” She would yell in front of me and whatever audience she brought with her. Dad lost his job and was basically a stay at home dad. He took it all in good faith but the blatant cheating hit a nerve. Even I as a child knew she was up to no good. Till that fateful day, she brought Adam to her matrimonial bed. That was the last straw for my dad. My mom was a horrible person, bad wife and she made no effort to mother anyone. My dad is a murderer. He beat her into a coma that day, then left her to die under my supervision. Of course, I didn’t turn him in. But he made no effort to be a father to me after that.
That’s why I said yes. Dave has been everything to me. He has no idea how broken I am. I can’t do this to him. He deserves a lot better. I guess I always thought he’d figure it out himself and go away peacefully. Now this. Look how happy he was when I said yes. My mom probably made my dad smile like that before she proceeded to ruin both their lives. I’m already a lot like her. Dave discovered me, put me in the limelight. I’m a big shot translator now. I swore long ago that I won’t put myself in a position to be like her or him. I won’t ruin some poor guy’s life, I won’t be my dad either. Same reason I said yes to him, that’s why I can’t be with him. He deserves a lot better. But how do I leave him without breaking him?

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